Ok, I finally broke down and watched the first Jem and the Holograms episode of my life. My conclusion is that all of this hype about Pizzazz being hotter and having better songs is just plain wrong. I watched this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60w-ZY9KQhg&feature=related

...and I'm 90% convinced the Pizzazz is a man. She could even be a Man-baby. She wouldn't be hot if she grew an OctoStache.

On the flip side, I watched the Jem and the Holograms theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgzZ2Ta0EpA ...and not only is Jem way hotter, she has better songs, cooler friends, and her dance coordination is far superior.

In short, I have a serious crush on Jem, and am starting to wonder if Olav nominated Pizzazz as a ruse, just to see if he could nominate something entirely un-awesome, and Canadian-mind-trick everybody into voting for it. It's kind of like L. Ron Hubbard betting Ray Bradbury that he could start a religion.

Olav, you've 100% sold me on everything you've been into to date, but I asked for further reasoning on why Pizzazz was awesome, and you went off on some story about her getting rejected by Jem's boyfriend. Is Pizzazz kind of like nominating Johnny Cash's first wife?

Not only that, but that Misfits song "Designing Woman" made me think of Delta Burke, which basically ruined any thoughts that Pizazz was hotter or that their music was any better. It also made me lose my appetite. Whereas Jem, well, She's truly outrageous.... truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Saturday morning cartoons are manichean in construction; for every "good" character, there must be an equivalent "evil" character.

However, that "evil" character is always slightly more powerful or better, simply so that the protagonist is the underdog, and so that kids will cheer for the less powerful protagonist to defeat their goliath. In brief, Ike's pimp hand may have been stronger than Tina's, but we cheer for Tina, because she is the plucky underdog in that matchup.

Pizzazz, by the very narrative construction of that cartoon *had* to be better than Jem, so it's even stated in the opening theme to the TV show: "We are the Misfits; OUR SONGS ARE BETTER." And who am I to argue with such an indisputable source of knowledge as the opening theme to a defunct cartoon?

Now, obviously The Misfits were a more influential rock band than Jem and the Holograms; they recorded their song "Welcome to the Jungle" in 1986, while the Guns and Roses album "Apetite for Destruction" came out in 1987. I would suggest that Axl Rose was significantly influenced by Pizzazz's use of litterary allusions to Upton Sinclair's work.

As for allegations of transvestitism, I've read read massive amounts of Jem Slash Fanfic. I have to say that Pizzazz is all woman, and a total superfreak.

As for being a transvestite.... it was the 80s. As I recall, there really wasn't a difference between men and women. Androgyny was the overall theme of the decade. Men wore spandex and women wore shoulder pads. And everyone had big hair. Tell me you can tell the difference between Pizzazz and David Lee Roth... tell me!

There is something strangely noble about the cartoon villain - week after week, in 30 minute segments, they are doomed to a lifetime of failure, yet never, ever give up. Constantly thwarted in all their lives plans, they don't even have the same odds of getting over as REAL villains - who at least SOMETIMES have successful capers! It's true that Pizzazz was more talented and way hotter than Jem, and if there had been any justice she would have received the credit for it ONCE. It's no wonder she was such a bad girl!